I am a Better American Than You are.

I am a Better American Than You are.

My blood is redder than yours. My blood is Bluer than yours.

I don’t need freedom of speech because I don’t think I want to say anything that is not mainstream or publicly accepted.

I don’t believe in slavery because I have never met a Slave. I don’t believe slavery is bad because they got Free Housing and food and it was much better than it was in Africa. Slavery Built America and so we should be thankful that we implemented a system of slavery so that we could get our burgeoning country on solid economic ground.

I don’t believe in oppression because I am not oppressed.

I believe that anyone who feels oppressed is “Americaning” wrong.

I don’t support girls who are “dress coded”. A good American girl values the education of boys and does not try to undermine it by showing her flesh. A good American Girl waits until she is old enough to marry to start showing thigh and shoulders to men. By then the men who can oogle her should be on a career trajectory and will be capable of financially supporting her. I am a good American Woman because I know how to use my sexuality to the best economic advantage…for me. Luring a man with my body so I can have access to his money is not prostitution, it is pragmatism.

When my husband cheated on me, I took him back. I had small children in the home and I was financially dependent on him and so I took him back and made about becoming a better wife because if I had been a good wife in the first place he never would not have cheated on me with other women or turned to drugs or alcohol and wherever else his attentions wandered. I returned him to my bed and home (that he pays for) because I am a good woman.  As a good American Woman I felt it was acceptable for me to mock another American Woman who took her cheating husband back  – she is scorn worthy because she publically announced she was strong, smart, equal to a man, and capable to lead. I acknowledge that as a woman who can’t keep my husband in my own bed, I am not a fit follower so I cannot be a leader. It is therefore appropriate and patriotic to be rude to a woman similar to me except she believes she is a fit leader.  

As for men who cheat, if they are in the same political party that I am; I will ignore this and ignore the women he has cheated on and left.

Although I was born into a situation where I am richer that 84% of the world’s population and I have always done better than half of the American population,  I am sure that low-income Americans are infringing on my ability to become even more well-off.  I am educated and capable of reading because I have a quality education;  Although I have a high caliber education and I’m not employed and not contributing to the gross national product (GNP) of  America- I feel free to vilify people working one or more part-time jobs  at a low pay rate. If they were better people they would have better paying jobs. If they were as good as I think I am, they would not need a job.

I believe the “Founding Fathers” of our country were Christian – most likely the same type of Christian that I am. It has been pointed out over and over to me that they were followers of creationism and believe that there was one master architect of the universe. I believe their Diaries where they professed that they were straight up Christians, these diaries were found by “Lib-Tards” and burned..

I believe that everyone should pray to the God I pray to and pray in the manner in which I pretend to. I am so thankful that the pilgrims  came to this country not for freedom of expression or religion but to continue their established religions here and force everybody to follow it.  I believe the native Americans should have been more welcoming and given over their homes and land freely to the Europeans because “White is Right” and the followers of Christ deserve more of the world that God made than anyone else.

I believe that if Jesus did not want us all to be good Christians, he himself would not have been a Christian. I believe that it is a lie that he was  ever Jewish. I believe that Jesus would want to be an American and stand up and pledge allegiance to the American flag. I believe that Jesus had blue eyes just like the paintings I see from the Middle Ages because of course those are not pictures of the painter’s homosexual lover .

I am a better American than you because I know that all great leaders are white men. I am sure that anyone else who aspires to higher office is an abomination in the eyes of God and country and so I should verbally dissent, protest and block them from accessing or using influence and power.

I am a great American because I complain about people who dissent, protest or express disagreement with my view of the country.

As a great American, I believe that the police force is always right. They are here to enforce the laws, but only the laws I agree with and in ways I approve of. They are to “Serve and protect”. That means “Serve my needs and protect my privileged way of life”. I can bum a cigarette and I can even charge my friend a dollar if they want one of mine – because I am white. If I were a black man I would deserve to be choked to death. I am a better American because my family would have written the police officers scented Thank You notes if that had been me.

I know I am a good American because I can walk down the street without anyone crossing the avenue to walk on the other side. I don’t hear door locks click or windows roll up when I come near. Everyone knows there is nothing to fear and everything to emulate about me.

I am a good American because in a country with no official language, I speak English. I know words of other languages but only as a novelty and not as a necessity. I speak English because I was raised in an English speaking home and believe that if god really thinks you are a good person he would have let you be born into an English speaking home.

I don’t believe that medicine should be part of  a woman’s health care – unless I need IVF. Itis God’s work to fertilize and implant my cells but clearly an abomination to halt the development of human fetal cells. Cells that are growing should never be stopped, unless they are cells I don’t approve of – then it is Cancer.

Jesus hung out with society’s undesirables, but that is just because his dream of My America had not been created yet. God made the whole world in 6 days, but America took millions (or thousands – depending on how religious you are ) of years to create. In my version of What Would Jesus Do he would have a hard time finding tax collectors because Rich People ( like I  want to pretend I am) don’t pay as many taxes as the poor. Jesus would – for sure – spend his time with me so he would never see a poor man. And even though I gave my boyfriend’s oral and occasionally had intercourse with them before I married a nice white man, I am sure he would have trouble finding whores to sit at wells with – instead he and I would have “Well Drinks” at the local Mexican restaurant and I would completely miss the irony.

I believe that although statistics and the news media say that most domestic terrorism and mass shootings in the USA happen at the hands of white American males, that the coloreds are to blame. If they had been less uppity and more grateful for being allowed to live in my country, they would not have provoked these good Christian men into bombing government buildings or shooting children in schools.

As a good American woman, I defend my right to Xanax and the occasional nightly glass of wine for my nerves but I condemn anyone who says that Mental Health is something that should not be stigmatized. I demand special services for my children, health care in this country is a privilege and not a right. You and your kids with pre-existing conditions are a burden to the tax payer.  This point of view feels totally correct in my heart.

I believe in the value of backyard barbecues and neighbourhood block parties. These are Civic and patriotic activities. But if I see you and your friends hanging out in the street drinking Modelos or pounding 40s I will call the police because you are undermining the fabric of my country. what is right for me is right because I am white and you are not. You should not be doing the same things that I am free to do because you are not as American as I am. I don’t need to hear that people come in all sizes and colors. If Michael Jackson could turn into a white person then you can too.

Now that I have explained to you that my views are always right, I expect you to stop with your snide comments and remarks and links to verified Scholarly sources when I post my opinions on Facebook.

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