I have always been amazed by people who knew where that were going in life and had a plan to get there. Back in my days at public school I was awestruck by the secret lives of my friends who were whole people outside of school – they went on family vacations, had hobbies, were world class swimmers ( Amanda Sanchez) , weekend ballerinas (Jennifer Sandburg) , audio sound imitators ( No Joke, Mike De Tolla sounded just like a police siren) , computer programmers (
Alan Au ) and more.
Yes, I had hobbies – I learned seven instruments , was an acolyte for church, and wrote & illustrated short stores even then, but my life was boring and not exciting. I think I was so glad to finally have stability after an early childhood of being without family or identity that I was too scared to move.
For the most part, I stopped evolving at 8 – years – old.
I don’t do change.
When I see people on their 2nd, 3rd, or 4th marriages while I have been single my entire life – it illuminates the gap between me and people who are good cat making life changing decisions. ( Of course, seriously, where would I find an eligible man? If they work with me they are poor. If they are a client at my work they already have children and are certifiably poor. at Darla’s day care they already have children – and I am over all that drama of being the Bonus Mom in a dysfunctional family. )
I have had the same job for almost 9 years because I don’t like change. I know how to drive here, how to do the work, and several people’s names (Everyone has Sonya-Made name tags outside their office so I can read their name before I try to talk to them.)
Even the last man I loved was someone I first fell over in love for when I was 14 years old. Fourteen!
So all this change is freaking me out.
In my head I have already failed out of USC 4oo times. With no renter in the back room and no child support coming in ( seriously Donald Charles Nelson, could you at least repay your personal debts to me?!?) I have imagined losing the house a million times and returning to apartment living… and that terrifies me ( Although my last landlord, Abe Taft was a darling and delight – seriously.).
How did my friends become lawyers and doctors and judges and fashion gurus while I am still emotionally stunted in pre-pubescent and forcing myself out of my comfort zone and absolutly terrified.
Although all of that sucks sweaty donkey ears , it does help me empathize with my homeless clients. Sure, I terrified and stuck in a rut – but first it is a stable rut and I can help people find their own stability.
Except I am not stuck – I am making little changes. Huge changes to me that are exactly what my schoolyard friends did 20 years ago. I am slow, but here I go!