My Unicorn Poops Cupcakes

as it jumps over rainbows – but don’t trust the chocolate sprinkles.

My Unicorn Poops Cupcakes - usually while jumping over rainbows

It’s true. I am short, fat, and cranky and I complain and whine a lot. I have spent the year staring down people who told me I was worthless, treated me poorly and jacked my stuff.

This year wasn’t all it could have been.

  • I can’t talk someone from The Hair Club For Men into accepting portions of my chin as a transplant donation for bald men.
  • When Darla was born in January – it was at home in the bathroom at 2am. I did get to meet several Arcadia Police and Firefighters. But exhausted, bloody and in a living room that now looks like a crime scene was not how I wanted to meet Arcadia’s Finest – ya know? The woman her father was secretly dating was sad that the baby survived. When I discovered the affair, they broke it off and {Lynn Dee} then joined his Le Tip group so they could see each other for breakfast once a week. Then This summer he hooked up with some chick from Trader Joe’s and started having 3 hour shopping trips to Ralph’s at night.  Meech-elle kindly suggested that I am too good for him ( I am) and I pointed out that she must be just trashy enough. She agreed to go away and then proceeded to text him 8 times a day and Yahoo Messenger him. Also, she gave him a lot of free Trader Joe’s product that I hope the homeless guy who goes through our trash has enjoyed.  This is not the idea of family I had in mind. Only my iron will to try to give this kid a two parent home has held me in there, and the love and support and scolding from my friends has held me together. FYI – he is currently being well behaved or has adapted to means that are undetectable by me. 
  • The Bonus Kids are on restricted access until their dad gets it all together or their mom decides I am not Satan- so basically I may never see them again. Meanwhile I am worried about them.
  • My mom died on Easter Sunday. I sat alone in her room while she coded and held her hand and waited for my father and grandmother to return. I have spent copious amounts of time holding the phone trying to call her to tell her about the baby doing something – or recounting moments of bad parenting, only to remember she’s not there.
  • Some moron stole my car – I got it back and then they broke into it and stole Jackie’s school books, my laptop and other items. My beloved Arcadia Police could not capture them becaus the supposed video survalence looks like an etch a sketch took .5 megapixel pictures.
  • The California Franchise Tax Board simply refuses to believe I filed my 2009 state taxes and garnished my paycheck.
  • I found my name on some website that says I have outstanding warrants for my arrest. I don’t even know where to start with that – do I get a lawyer? Can I ask a policeman? How do I find out what this is and how will it affect me? Can I use Homeless Court to work it out for me since technically I don’t have address?
  • My oldest daughter refuses to speak to the father of the baby because he has been such a stupid-head to everyone this year.
  • Stupid Head secretly asked my father for $3 grand. Hey, I pay for all the baby supplies and give him $600 a month…what does he need the money for? And why couldn’t he ask me? Oh, because I charged him $100 a day for every day he lied to me about Miss Trader Joe’s and now he owes me $4,000.00
  • The baby is getting collection agency notices from KAISER but @kpmemberservices says they don’t know what the bill is about. Apparently when Kaiser first said Darla wasn’t covered because she was born at home – I should have taken her in anyways instead of fighting with them for 3 weeks and going on February 1. the collection agency says that the 30 days of coverage ended January 31 and is really only good for the month she was born in. Are you kidding me?

But I am also blessed. 

  • I write this on my break as I sit here at my job, with medical, dental and vision as well as life insurance benefits. I get paid twice a month.
  • I own my own car.
  • I have family and friends who rarely fail me.
  • I found a charity to volunteer for that I wish I could duplicate. Ie: MEND that you have all been subject to me discussing.
  • My girls are happy, healthy and well adjusted.
  • Jackie graduates from High School in June.
  • I get free love from the Bonus Kids.
  • I am healthy  – and relatively happy.
  • I have mad skills that I’ve been able to use to help my friends out.
  • Oh, I also use them at work and I think I am pretty good at my job.

I would like to thank http://www.starkravingmadmommy.com/ for the title idea.

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